helps me grow. It gives me clarity and hope.
I write this for her. She was the love of my life
.It's like One minute you are on top of it, and the next you can't cling to the edge of the bowel. Whoever said that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved." Did this guy ever lose the love of his life. I think not. But I guess I should explain. About a year ago I met what would become the love of my life. Her name was Eva. We began talking online on my birthday and I really like her, probably more than I should for just chatting online. We chatted back and forth for a few weeks and she asked to meet. I remember the night. The green shirt she wore her horn rimmed glasses her endless auburn hair and piercing eyes. She was awesome. We watched some movies and kissed and ended up embraced on my couch for hours. She was amazing but I could control myself, well or so I though. She knew what she wanted and as we lay together she looked at me and I knew what was going to come out of her mouth. I said:"please don't" and as I did she whispered: " I think I am falling for you." You see my friends I was still hung up on my ex. She was a poison that I ingested on and off again for the better part of 18 years. And I told her from the beginning I wasn't OK that I was emotionally incapacitated. She didn't care. " I don't care ." she passionately told me. "I will help you change."
Days began turning to weeks and We were practically inseparable. She wanted to see me every free moment and I gladly obliged. We were getting closer and closer. She moved out of parents house after her ugly divorce making her life much more difficult having to be a single mother of two young children. Often she asked me to stay, then to move in with her. She was in love with me and never hesitated to tell me. Make no mistake I loved her, far more than I realized. Ahaa but I was still trying to get answers from my poison. Why she left what I did etc. I went to see her, I emailed and sometimes called. and in those beginning months I always told Eva that I was doing it, that I was screwed up. She begged to stop. But you know how stupid we men can be. I couldn't, I wanted answers. And the truth was I thought that I wanted her back. How wrong I was. Why do people keep taking poison when they know its going to kill them in the end.
It was summer and we were still loving one another, better than ever and we had become best friends, though by now not without our share of drama and arguments. It was weird, I always I mean always wanted to be there for her. Make no mistake there were several of times when I had to take care of her. She was hospitalized for a morning and as soon as her parents brought her home I was there so they could get home. I held her hand as she was in brutalizing pain(even though the doctors had her pretty drugged). I carried her upstairs and lay there her holding her hand until the wee hours of the morning while she slept. Several other times she had panic attacks and lost control and I held her in my arms and took care of her. At one point I carried her into the shower because the sound of the water helps. I remember her crying " get out of here your cloths are getting drenched." I didn't care I just wanted to be there when she needed me. She said I was the only person besides her mom that could stop them. Let me tell you guys that I took the most love out of that, you know being there when she needed me most, being the one. That didn't happen in every day life she is strong and independent and honestly doesn't like having to need someone, ever. She was always the one that wanted to be there for me,well until recently, but I digress I am moving ahead of myself.
Like I said Summer was here and we were doing our best to make the best of every moment we spent together we made love, we laughed, and sometimes even cried together.We always seemed the basket case. She had a horrible knee, and my back is permanatly ruined but we always were able to cater to one anothers needs and often laughed that we were broken. I have to tell you all a secret. I was falling deeply in love with this woman and she didn't even know it. I still whined about my poison and continued to write her even though to this point I told Eva I had stopped. Why you stupid bastard? Eva is insanely beautiful she loves you and get this she dieted her ass off just to please you. Size 14 to 4 in a 6 months. What the HELL? I have to tell you as I write this it is insanely painful. Words really don't describe the loss I bare and the hope that we can begin to be friends if not more again . I am sure you know how this is going to end before I even write the words.
We struggled sometimes. She was highly demanding for my attention and my validation. Everything. " Am I pretty?" " , "Am I a good Lover?" the total gambit and the truth was everything that she asked she was. Often I felt uncomfortable telling her these things when she was being needy. It seemed to me that if I told her everyday that she was beautiful, that it would get diluted or lose value. But I never hesitated to show her how passionate I was about her. Our lovemaking was something that they write books about. She was by far the best and never resisted telling me that She felt the same. That was our connection friends, we have chemistry that is unbelievable. That doesn't save relationships s because the story doesn't end the way I want it to.
So as a side note why am I in love with this woman. Well that was something that she asked often and I always answered with:" because you are you." Now to many that may seem like a simple cop out, but I disagree. there were so many things that I wouldn't just blather the answer in any short amount of time, But since we are all friends here. Eva I loved you for your eyes, your touch, your kiss, your tender manner, I loved you for your thick red hair which you left everywhere. I loved you for the way you looked at me, your soft voice your porcelain skin, you were beautiful and sexy and sublime all at once. and that is only the beginning .
Well now friends this is where it gets interesting, it was autumn, We were in love. Yes folks by this time I was head over heels in love with Eva. Did I let her know-well no not enough.I often said the words "I love you." but I don't think I ever told her how muchI was in love with her. I had stopped writing my poison at about this time but never bothered to delete all this shit off my computer. Why you ask? I don't know but those emails single handily ruined the future of "Us"
Again it was fall and we were doing OK, not great but I was falling deeper by the day for her and she showed me just as much love as ever. People I was the luckiest man in the world. I began thinking marriage, we began looking at houses for our future.How we could accommodate with our three combined children, her two and mine for a previous ex. Talking a little about moving in together. I was really feeling it. No more poison and a woman who I knew was at the time the love of my life, yes I said it the love of my life. She changed something that I couldn't shake off for eighteen years and in the matter of about six months I was cured. Well so I though. My life would change.
It was just after Thanksgiving and I was feeling great she made the first trip up to meet my parents and I felt so good about it. They loved her. Well in an instant everything changed for us. It was the following weekend we stayed together and I was exhausted on Saturday night. I took a sleeping pill and we crashed. Well this was it the beginning of the end for us. She couldn't sleep. She got up and came downstairs. My computer was unlocked and she sat down and logged in to Outlook. She later told me that she never trusted that I wasn't contacting Rachel. Okay here it is: She found every single email I wrote my poison. Every dirty little tidbit. Its 3AM and she is at the foot of the bed screaming for me to wake up. She was on her knees sobbing " How could You!" She began screaming me quotes from my emails and I was drugged totally out of it as she pleaded for me to get up. "How can you just lay there!" I was so out of it I couldn't even get up I think I remember saying just come to bed or something but it was too late. She started packing her things and left. "It's over." was the last thing she said.
Allot of what happened between the first and last week of December but all of it was a blur. I think I am blocked I can't remember allot of what happened we were talking on and off and it wasn't allot of fun. We were still in love and eventually after I begged her to understand. She came back.
So she came back, It was the last week of December and she returned, but not without allot of apprehension and demands. I didn't really realize they were demands. Actually with how it ends these were aultimatums. She said that I had to delete the emails which oddly enough I didn't why you may ask. I don't know. I just never really looked at them. She told me that we needed couples counseling and in the brief period we reconnected I didn't make the appointment. Last she asked me to apologize to her mother. They are very close and she told her everything, I mean everything I wrote. So now mom hates me. another thing that I did not move on fast enough.
Well onward and upward we got back together for about 6 weeks. Another night February 5th I believe, she was going through my mail again and thought there was new ones to my poison. She yelled but there weren't I showed her. She argues that they hurt her and why did I not delete. Yes people I was stupid. I didn't do what she asked and that was the beginning of the "end of the end" . A few days later she said that it was over-over. She professed that she could never get those emails out of her head and it hurt too much. She became a compulsive liar. saying whatever necessary to protect herself.
There was one more instance where she needed me to take care of her so, I did. We, in the midst of it, said that we were the loves of each others lives and I said I would stand by her and marry her. Two days later it was over. For good. She had already moved on I just didn't know it.
That was a few weeks ago and she has moved on. I write this for me because far beyond my control I am desperately in love with this woman. She no longer wants to hear it. And for now at least it is what it is. I am healing and working on me everyday. I lost about 15 pounds in two weeks.
So anybody reading this and caring about love and honesty. Please do yourselves a favor and do the right thing. Always. It's my new mantra. Do the right thing. If we ever have a chance in the future I will say this: I know what I want in my life and I will "Do the right thing"
There is allot more to this story than just the words I have written and we both have now done allot of things to hurt one another, but never again. I wont be a doormat but I have discovered I don't want to hurt the ones I love you just don't need that. She deserves the ability to make her own decisions without me around. I want us to have a chance and she well knows that, maybe that will be a future blog.. So what was the other famous quote "If you love someone set them free and if they comeback they are yours forever." again I have my doubts, but I indeed have done it.She is the love of my life friends and if she comes back for "US" it will be on equal terms not because of need, were even now.
Well that is all for tonight I have had enough but this made me feel better for it.
God Bless
The mumblebee
